My Dogs are Mooing

Bad news sports fans...one of my favorite neighbors (the one who asked me to check for monsters under her bed) has moved out:(  I don't normally like using emoticons, but this is a special occasion -- I'm not sure how else to truly represent my utter sadness and disappointment at this latest development. To my former neighbor -- you were a great source of entertainment and ridicule.  Rest assured, you will be missed.  Good luck in your future encounters with your neighbors.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45569552/ns/today-holiday_guide/ Okay, this is absolutely fabulous.  Normally around this time of year you hear about the Jews and the Muslims and the non-religious types complaining about Christmas decorations and the separation of church and state and all that good cheer.  Now the Christmas lovers are complaining about...Christmas decorations?  This takes it to a whole new level.  Mind.  Officially.  Blown.

My dad and I just returned from a kickin' road trip to CoMo to see The Jayhawks play.  It was lovely Daddy and me time, and we had a blast.  On the way home I stopped to fill up my car and decided to run to the restroom.  I was gone for an unusually long time, but trust me -- it was worth it. What, you thought I was going to show some gross personal business pic?  You people are sick.  No, I found this gem in the gas station bathroom and couldn't resist.  It begs a variety of questions: 1.  So does the door open when it's locked AND when it's unlocked? 2.  How do I unlock the door AFTER leaving the bathroom? 3.  How many people asked for this little tutorial on locking the door before management said, "perhaps a sign would help"? 4.  Why am I so lucky? ****NOTE: This was not my original post title.  However, I can't afford the probable lawsuit brought on by a certain Hollywood former child star who spends minutes ...

Yes, folks, it's a twofer!  Two posts for the price of one in honor of the extra hour of sleep I got last night.  As has become tradition here at the Dogs, it's neighbor complainin' time.  This week's gripe comes from the trash found in the rocks outside of my porch door.  Apparently someone in the complex has a foot odor problem (big surprise), and he/she also has a vision problem and mistook a big pile of rocks for a dumpster.  I found a bottle of Fresh Fogger and immediately reached the following conclusions: 1.  Based on what I've learned from Law and Order, the bottle landed in my rocks based on a trajectory that started at an angle that objected in the courtroom based on the Miranda Rights. In other words, I'm pretty sure the bottle came from the apartment two floors above me. 2.  The smell of stinky feet that has permeated the breezeway was in fact caused by stinky feet. 3. The perp's hygiene problems extend far beyond feet and mu...

The TV saga continues!  It's been a few weeks since I was lucky enough to have the Barbie Channel, but alas -- just like Ken and Barbie, we've been forced to part ways.  Unlike Barbie and Ken (and maybe even Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries -- bets are still out on this one) there is no chance for reconciliation.  I've had to console myself with the latest previews offered on good ol' channel 99.  Right now I'm getting to enjoy the Extreme Channel, although the only thing extreme about it appears to be that it features Bear Grylls.  However, last week's preview was the best (click on the link below): Dish TV's Idea of a Joke? Or Serious Programming? Oh, no -- I didn't make a mistake.  This was the actual sponsor of the station, and all they showed were informercials.  For reals.

Thanks to my new digs, I am slowly but surely becoming part of the digital TV world.  Unfortunately, I'm running into some trouble in paradise.  I quickly resigned myself to the fact that I did not receive Bravo or MSNBC -- I can use the internet to stay in touch with Rachel Maddow and the Housewives.  I've even begrudgingly gotten used to losing WE and having my mom DVR "Bridezillas" for me.  However, I've now reached my limit upon discovering I have some rather -- shall we say, unique -- preview channels. Last week I discovered I had something called the Barbie Channel.  Some clever philosophical metaphor?  An ironic observation on society's focus on materialism?  Uh, no. It is actually the Barbie Channel. Oh, wait, it gets better.  I also had something called the Axe Channel, which seemed to be nothing more than an endless loop of commercials for all Axe products. Apparently there weren't a lot of Axe users out there, because today I saw t...

Happy New Year to all of my Jewish peeps.  I hope you enjoyed break the fast as much as I did!  I enjoyed it so much that I decided to stop for a sweet tea on the way home to enhance my blintz- and bagel-induced buzz.  There were two cars in front of me.  The first car was full of giggly high school girls who couldn't decide what to order.  "Oh, I want a Happy Meal!  Can I get that with a shake? Do you sell tacos?" (Okay, I made that last one up, but it wouldn't have been that surprising.)  Finally car #2 pulled up.  This chick had an even harder time ordering, because she refused to order anything that didn't have a Monopoly sticker on it. And she ordered a lot, so you can imagine how hard it must have been for her to construct a Monopoly-friendly menu.  While I realize that 1 in 4 supposedly win, I'm not sure the victory was worth the battle.

Yes, I know it's been a really really long time since my last post.  Life has been really busy.  But fear not friends -- the random craziness has still been happening around here. Exhibit A:  I am zoned out on the couch one night when I hear a knock on the door.  I open it to find a blond 18-year-old with a strange look on her face. I realize some guys have pictured this exact same scenario, but I have not.  Anyway, this young lady says she was in her apartment and heard a strange noise and was scared to go inside and would I go in with her?  I must have paused for a moment too long, because she began doing this nervous giggle-like thing and insisted she was serious.  I ended up going into her apartment and quickly determined that her fan was knocking her blinds around.  Despite my genius observation, she insisted I stay until she checked every. Single. Room.  And closet. Exhibit B:  I had to go for a health assessment at work so I c...

As I was walking through Target today I noticed two girls. One was looking at the blue registry sheets.  The other one was busy making disparaging remarks about the institution of marriage.  "There's all this pressure for young women to find a man and get married, but maybe they should examine the divorce rate in America."  Staunch feminist, or jealous, insecure friend?  You make the call.

It's really here!  NPR has confirmed the amazing news: Schweddy Balls -- Ben and Jerry's

I was cruisin' on Regretsy the other day and saw a post from a nurse in Joplin, MO.  Cunningham Park, which was located next to St. Johns', was completely destroyed by the tornado.  The park is now part of a contest sponsored by Coca-Cola; the park with the most votes gets $100,000. As the poster on Regretsy pointed out, the other parks in the running probably haven't been destroyed by a natural disaster.  You can vote as many times as you want, and you don't even have to give any personal information.  Check it out! Vote for Cunningham Park Here!  

It would have been nice to have a fabulous post today, right?  I had the best of intentions. Unfortunately, I'm having a really hard time concentrating thanks to the neighbor who is playing music so loudly that I can feel it in my fillings.  Really, what's the point?  What is the appeal of listening to music at inhuman decibel levels?  I seriously doubt it's studyin' music. I'm starting to really dislike living in a complex inhabited almost entirely by college students.  I'm sick of the trash lazily left next to the dumpster because it requires too much energy to lift it 4 feet in the air into the bin (or perhaps it would ruin the suntan obtained after countless hours next to the pool/perpetual keg party).  I even found a half-full beer can next to my door.  Today I had to step carefully so as to avoid the gum left outside my door.  What's really annoying is that a lot of these people -- based on the cars in the parking lo...

Sorry it's been a bit since my last post; starting back to school has been quite the process!  Fear not, faithful readers -- I've got a story that more than makes up for it.  As many of you know, I recently moved to town. I was fortunate enough to have some AMAZING friends help me along the way.  Unfortunately, they fell victim to Walkwaygate 2011 (for a little reminder, you can check out my first post, "Taking a Hard Left into Wackytown.").  In a moment of Norma Rae-like enthusiasm I decided to forgo some of the cleaning requirements to get my deposit back. Let's be honest -- does anyone really clean behind the fridge? I had forgotten about my lack of cleanliness until I received a large envelope from my old landlord last week.  I was pleasantly surprised to see a sweet check for over half of my deposit. That would have been enough, but oh no -- the landlord had to make my day even better. The rest of the envelope was filled with a thick packet of COLOR d...

The other night some gnarly storms hit town and caused some power outages. I happened to be in a certain shopping establishment at the time:   Fearless shoppers continued their quest for crap by the light of the generators and their cellphones.          However, the people down the street had it much worse. This is so NOT where I'd want to be in a blackout.   But fear not, fair citizens -- the righteous few were spared from the wrath of the electric gods: 

Goodness, what would the man think?

Last night a good friend and I had a girls' night out -- dinner, shopping for cheap accessories, and yogurt.  Apparently we've been swept up in the self-serve yogurt hoopla, so we decided to visit a new location.  As we were paying I noticed the following sign behind the register: While you still probably won't see bacon on the menu anytime soon, this is a solid first step.  My grandfather would be proud.

I start training tomorrow for my new job.  I will be teaching robotics to 4th and 5th grade.  Basically, I get to hang out with kids all day and play with computers and legos.  Yeah, pretty sweet. Although I've been studying the software, there's probably one more step I need to take to be fully prepared: Robot Insurance, SNL

For all South Park fans out there, Wal-Mart has finally come through for us.  Soon we will be able to indulge in Cartman's favorite snack, Cheesy Poofs!  Imagine all of the variations on "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned" we'll be able to come up with.  In the meantime, here's a crumb for you: The Ultimate Cheesy Poofs Commercial (adweek.com)          But beware of Starvin' Marvins; those Ethernopians are going to want some too.

A normal car door and power controls: My car door and power controls: My new nemesis: To be fair, my father and brother-in-law did their very best to repair the car using gorilla glue; however, their hard work was no match for Hades-like heatwave we've been experiencing.  Since I don't want to spend the insane amount of money I'm sure it will cost to fix it, I'll just have to get used to my new way of life -- no ATMs, no bank drive-thrus, no locking my doors from the inside, no fast food. That last one's actually a bonus, although it has been an awful long time since my last Route 44 from Sonic...

My apartment complex is having the parking lot resurfaced.  They are going in sections, so every 2-3 days about 50 spaces are cleared.  The landlord warned us that parking would be at a minimum and asked us to be patient and do what we can to make room for everyone.  Thankfully, some of my neighbors are going above and beyond in order to make this easier on all of us: It's moments like these that make me proud...to own a camera.

In a classic "I need to pull over and take this picture NOW" moment, here's a sign I found near my new apartment: Of course, there's always this gem -- which just goes to show the value of art education in the United States.  All this really proves, though, is that I will go to great lengths to get stupid funny photographs.  

Location:  an AT&T store, which ranks up there with the DMV, hardware stores, and Texas in the summertime as places I try to avoid at all costs.  Surprise, suprise -- I had to wait in line.  It was a small store, so it was easy to overhear the conversations between the customers and the clerks.  I was just standing there, politely waiting my turn, when I noticed that one gentlemen was unhappy with the service he was receiving.  He kept asking about his bill and why he was expected to pay and if he owed any money.  From what I could gather, the man was forced to give up his previous phone and open a new account.  He kept insisting on getting his old phone number back, but the clerk said he need to contact customer service with the name of the originial account holder and the last four digits of that person's social security number.  "I can't do that," the customer replied.  "That's my wife, and she's got a restraining order against me." ...

To most, I appear to be a nice, normal, almost 30-year-old with a pretty regular life.  I go to work, I hang out with my friends, and occasionally I manage to stay out past 10:00pm.  However, every so often my boring life is interrupted by a random occurence.  Friends have noted the frequency of such situations and suggested I write them down.  Actually, they suggested I write a book; unfortunately that requires way more time, committment, and attention then I'm willing to devote to something besides watching Food Network.  So, what's the next best thing?  Facebook!  Been there, done that, and some situations require waaaay more than the word limit on a status.  That's what's led me here to the world o' the blog. To start this little social media experiment off, let's go with a classic.  I was preparing to move from Columbia, MO to Springfield, MO for work.  Thanks to some sort of black hole in my karma, I was shocked...