To make up for my lack of recent posts, I've decided to share with you a sermon I wrote about gratitude. My Youth Group students led a service the other night, and as part of it we read the story of Jacob and Esau. I was asked to say a few words about the story. As a nice little companion, I also highly recommend watching "The Science of Happiness -- An Experiment in Gratitude" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHv6vTKD6lg). So, so, so worth it! Anyways, let's pretend that I wrote this specifically as a new blog post and am not just kinda sorta cheating by pasting in this speech instead.
Good evening, and Shabbat
Shalom! On behalf of the Youth Group I’d
like to thank you all for coming this evening to worship with us. We talk often of the importance of guiding our
students through their religious journeys; your presence here tonight is a
wonderful symbol of that community support.
Tonight Rabbi Block took
us through the well-known tale of Jacob and Esau. When planning this d’var torah I briefly
considered giving a talk on twins – they do say talk about what you know. However, I decided not to take the obvious
route and instead want to take a few moments to talk about youth. After all it is the youth of our congregation
who, in part, brought us here together tonight.
Whenever I read the story
of Jacob and Esau I always find myself cringing at Jacob and Esau’s actions
over the birthright. Perhaps it’s
because I spend my days surrounded by children, but it always strikes a nerve
with me when I experience behavior that cannot be described any other way than
as childish. To sell a birthright for a
bowl of lentil stew, as Esau did, is a classic example of impatience and
impulsivity. As he did not value his
birthright over an earthly or physical desire, by his actions Esau demonstrated
that he did not deserve to be the one who continued the responsibilities and
rewards of his lineage under God's covenant, since he did not have the steady,
thoughtful qualities required.
But what about
Jacob? His scheming with his mother to
receive his father’s blessing didn’t exactly inspire a lot of confidence
either. Someone looking for a truly
honorable hero in this passage might as well keep on looking. Political Science professor Daniel J. Elazar
suggests the Old Testament indicates that a bright, calculating person who, at
times, is less than honest, is preferable as a founder over a bluff, impulsive
one who cannot make discriminating choices.
Does that excuse Jacob? I don’t
really know. What I do know is that this
whole portion for me boils down to the idea of entitlement.
Merriam-Webster
dictionary defines entitlement as “the condition of having a right to have, do,
or get something;
Or the feeling or belief
that you deserve to be given something (such as special privileges).” It’s the second part of that definition that
gets to me – what makes us so righteous or privileged as to determine what we
do or do not deserve? Sure, we regularly
negotiate salaries or wages at work so we feel fairly compensated for our time
and energy. We tell our spouses,
families, and friends that our feelings deserve not to be ignored or minimized.
We tell ourselves that we deserve a cookie after a hard day…or a cookie to
celebrate a great day…or a cookie to celebrate going for a run…or a cookie to distract
us from the fact that we may have forgotten to go on that run. The point is that there is often a fine line
between receiving what we truly deserve and what we feel we are owed.
In 2012 Psychology Today addressed this specific
conundrum as it relates to youth. Dr.
Carl Pickhardt noted, “Why more entitled? When a child becomes more willful or
strong-willed, as typically occurs in adolescence, a significant change in
thinking can occur when something is desired—a change I call ‘the conditional
shift.' The thinking seems proceeds like this.
"If I want
something, I want it a lot." Now there is an increased importance attached
to wants.
"If I want it a lot,
I must have it." Now there is urgency to get one's way.
"If I must have
it" (here is the conditional shift) "I SHOULD get it." Now there
is a sense of entitlement to satisfaction.
"If I don't get what
I should" (to which I believe I am entitled) "I will feel treated
unfairly." Now refusal of a want feels like a deprivation of a fundamental
right, hence the sense of feeling wronged.”
Jacob and Esau’s complicated
relationship certainly highlights this conditional shift. The lengths they were willing to go to get
what they felt they deserved ultimately defined the trajectories of their lives
as foretold by God’s statement to Rebecca: “Two nations are in thy womb, and
two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people
shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the
younger."
But what about now? How does entitlement impact the lives of
children living in an increasingly connected, high tech, material society? In 2009 the group Focus on the Family went so far as to dub this generation “the
entitlement generation.” Is this the case?
Unfortunately there is research to back it up. In 2013 The
Washington Post cited a study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. It was noted, “Compared to previous generations, recent
high-school graduates are more likely to want lots of money and nice things but
less likely to say they’re willing to work hard to earn them,” said study
author Jean Twenge, a psychologist at San Diego State University, in a
statement. “That type of ‘fantasy gap’ is consistent with other studies showing
a generational increase in narcissism and entitlement.” I’ll be the first to argue that we cannot
make generalizations about people despite studies like these, but it can be
disheartening to think that the teenage mindset has taken this turn.
Now, full disclosure time
-- I’m not a parent, but I play one in the classroom. I’m going to go out on a limb, though, and
bet that I am not the only one in this room who has heard the cry “that’s not fair!” So, how do we
counteract that and buck the trend of the entitlement generation?
To start, we need to
practice gratitude and model it for our youth.
According to the Greater Good
Science Center, “We want to feel more gratitude—and we want our kids to do
the same—because gratitude is so closely associated with happiness that the two
are practically indistinguishable from one another. The opposite of gratitude is entitlement,
which brings negative feelings like disappointment and frustration. But when we feel grateful, our world fills
with positive emotions like love, compassion, enthusiasm, and confidence—and
our satisfaction with life soars.”
Well, when it comes to
the youth in this room I can tell you we have already started turning the tide. These kids here are models of giving back and paying it forward. Over
the last few years I have had the privilege of working with them as the Youth
Group adviser. I have attended many of
their bar and bat mitzvahs and at each one I am always heartened to hear about
the time they spend volunteering at their schools and in their community. Many of them set up a bar or bat mitzvah
project to help those in need. Once they
join the Youth Group, they continue their good deeds. As a team we have collected food during the
annual High Holy Day Hunger Drive and have packed meals with Meals a Million
and the Ozarks Food Harvest. We have
even received compliments for how hard we work; one woman noted that she is
usually a bit leery of teenage volunteers since they often want to
spend more time on their phones than on their feet, but she truly appreciated
our good attitudes and willingness to get our hands dirty. So, whatever it is you are doing with them at
home, please – keep doing it!
While none of us are in
danger of losing our birthrights over a bowl of stew, we still need to ensure
that we are mindful about being gracious.
We all do genuinely deserve health, happiness, and all of that other good
stuff; let’s just make sure that we make the most of it. Shabbat Shalom.
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