My Dogs are Mooing

Last night was Trivia Night.  We gifted folk put together a crack team named Potpourri for 300; there were several team names dedicated to Dick Clark (too soon?) and even one dedicated to those enterprising young lads guarding the President in Colombia.  We started strong in the General Knowledge category, although the team failed to believe me when I said Harare is the capital of Zimbabwe.  Hey, I teach this stuff; I've got a database of every country in the world to prove it!  We came back in a big way with knowledge of Scientists Everyone Should Know -- we did, indeed, know most of them.  This week's Speed Round was drawing car logos.  Since we had an artist and an architect on our team, we were set. We were hanging strong in third until the emcees dropped the bombshell (or Deringer) -- the next category was about the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.  What????  Didn't he just, like, get shot? How were they going to pull ten quest...

After school I convinced myself to go to the gym.  So, naturally, I found myself getting a pedicure instead.  I was relaxing with my tootsies in the warm bubbly water when the woman across from me got a phone call.  She was clearly a model of etiquette because she took the call without hesitation or concern for the rest of us.  You could tell by the loud tone of her voice that she was initially confused; the caller was apparently a Verizon representative and had asked for her husband.  After a few moments she responded that she would stop by Verizon as soon as possible to discuss the matter because she, frankly, had no idea what the caller was talking about.  Hmmmm, a secret phone?  A number she didn't recognize?  Inconsistencies in the bill?  Maybe this guy is having a mid-life crisis.  Considering how much this lady talked (even when she wasn't on the phone) while I was trying to enjoy my foot massage maybe he's just fed up....

My parents are in the market for a new kitchen table (moment of silence for the old one).  Their search took them to Furniture Row, and they managed to narrow it down to three choices.  Since they tend to agree on very little, they asked me to come and offer some input.  We went to the first store and were pleasantly surprised to discover the table marked down from the day before.  The second option was quickly dismissed, leaving us with the third option at the place next door -- which turned out to be the exact same table but at a higher price.  Hmmmm, what to do? The obvious choice was to return to the first store and buy the table at the lower price. However, the second store agreed to do a price match -- with the caveat that we provide proof of the lower price.  How were we supposed to do that without looking like total fluffernuts?  Why not return to the first store and just make the purchase there?  That's when the back and forth began:...

Over the last few days I've noticed a slight buzzing sound near my windows.  At first I thought maybe the wind from the open window was rattling the blinds, but tonight I determined the true culprit -- a cunning wasp that had somehow made its way into my tranquil abode.  My dad is wickedly allergic to wasps, and although I don't share his allergy I share his disdain (ain't genetics grand?)  The wasp made himself comfortable on top of my expensive (looking) picture in the living room.  I slunk off to the closet to get a shoe, but when I returned he decided to take things up a level.  Literally.  He chose to hang out in the skylight about twenty feet above.  Using a kitchen chair, some goggles, a bottle of Raid, and my killer instinct, Mr. Wasp and I went to battle.  I'll let you guess who won.

One night while tooling around northern Missouri, I found myself looking for something to do.  I had already visited Amish country, and the trailers that belong to hoarders but had signs that automatically turned them into "antique stores" were closed.  So, I found myself at Wal-Mart.  I was pleasantly surprised to discover that a small town Wal-Mart, despite having a similar floor plan as other locations, has its own unique perks.  Exhibit A:  The Violated Pajama Jeans Granted, I've always had a curiousity about these too.  However, there's a little opening on the front of the box that allows you to feel the "fabric" (I use this term loosely).  I guess that wasn't enough for someone; they needed to pull them out of the box in order to get the full Pajama Jeans experience. Exhibit B:  The Downfall of Britney Spears Ouch, not only is the Circus Fantasy perfume not selling well, it's on the discount aisle.  Oops, she tanked again....

On my recent sojourn through northern Missouri, I stayed at a lovely hotel for a couple of nights.  The room was clean, the staff was very nice, and there was tons of space.  There was one odd note, though -- this little gem was sitting on the counter in the bathroom: Uh, okay.  The waffles were yummy, though.

After having spent the last two weeks on the road for work, it's nice to be home for a change.  Even in small-town Missouri I managed to have some adventures along the way.  A few highlights... 1.  There are some, shall we say, amusing names in the northern part of the state.  Iconium?  Who would have guessed, although I'm told there are some killer peach floats to be had there.  Dry Sac Creek?  Yeah, I'm gonna keep this one clean for the kiddies.  Lingo?  I hope that's where Chuck Woolery films the show, because my sister and I love that game.  Callao, Kidder, Damascus...the list goes on and on. 2.  Despite the fact that I am functionally illiterate when it comes to maps and following directions, I managed to not get lost once.  Well, maybe once, but in my defense that was because of Mapquest.  How was I supposed to know that Gilman City (population 340) also had a Broadway Street?  Still, kudos to whomever laid ou...

I'm here!  Thanks to the help of a very special mommy and daddy, the move is complete and I am writing this from the comfort of my new home.  Despite the chaos surrounding this endeavor things went relatively smoothly.  I did, however, manage to lock myself in the bathroom.  Apparently the lock buttons are on the outside of the bathroom doors instead of the inside, so if you come to visit beware.  I'd like to blame the door button on my unfortunate incident, but as it turns out I'm quite talented at getting locked into places.  I once managed to lock myself in the bathroom during Passover, much to the amusement of my fellow seder-mates. As I relax in my humble abode I think back to all I left behind.  The noise, the stink, the fireworks, the trash.  And now the moment has passed.  Cheerio!

Uh, kettle?  This is the pot.  You're bl....oh, never mind. Toddlers and Tiaras Lawsuit

Well, the unthinkable is about to happen -- I'm moving!  While I know many of you have enjoyed following the nuttiness that goes on around here, I've reached my breaking point.  That's right -- no more loud college students, no more weird satellite TV channels, and no more random crap on my porch.  Thanks to my parents and my new, amazing landlord, I'm outta here in about two weeks.  The dogs will keep on mooin', but the next time you hear from them it will be from a much cleaner, quieter place.  Can't wait to brag about the new digs! In the meantime, here's some pictures of Siku the polar bear.  Just because.                   www.globalanimals.com ,  www.news.discovery.com

Bad news sports fans...one of my favorite neighbors (the one who asked me to check for monsters under her bed) has moved out:(  I don't normally like using emoticons, but this is a special occasion -- I'm not sure how else to truly represent my utter sadness and disappointment at this latest development. To my former neighbor -- you were a great source of entertainment and ridicule.  Rest assured, you will be missed.  Good luck in your future encounters with your neighbors.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45569552/ns/today-holiday_guide/ Okay, this is absolutely fabulous.  Normally around this time of year you hear about the Jews and the Muslims and the non-religious types complaining about Christmas decorations and the separation of church and state and all that good cheer.  Now the Christmas lovers are complaining about...Christmas decorations?  This takes it to a whole new level.  Mind.  Officially.  Blown.

My dad and I just returned from a kickin' road trip to CoMo to see The Jayhawks play.  It was lovely Daddy and me time, and we had a blast.  On the way home I stopped to fill up my car and decided to run to the restroom.  I was gone for an unusually long time, but trust me -- it was worth it. What, you thought I was going to show some gross personal business pic?  You people are sick.  No, I found this gem in the gas station bathroom and couldn't resist.  It begs a variety of questions: 1.  So does the door open when it's locked AND when it's unlocked? 2.  How do I unlock the door AFTER leaving the bathroom? 3.  How many people asked for this little tutorial on locking the door before management said, "perhaps a sign would help"? 4.  Why am I so lucky? ****NOTE: This was not my original post title.  However, I can't afford the probable lawsuit brought on by a certain Hollywood former child star who spends minutes ...

Yes, folks, it's a twofer!  Two posts for the price of one in honor of the extra hour of sleep I got last night.  As has become tradition here at the Dogs, it's neighbor complainin' time.  This week's gripe comes from the trash found in the rocks outside of my porch door.  Apparently someone in the complex has a foot odor problem (big surprise), and he/she also has a vision problem and mistook a big pile of rocks for a dumpster.  I found a bottle of Fresh Fogger and immediately reached the following conclusions: 1.  Based on what I've learned from Law and Order, the bottle landed in my rocks based on a trajectory that started at an angle that objected in the courtroom based on the Miranda Rights. In other words, I'm pretty sure the bottle came from the apartment two floors above me. 2.  The smell of stinky feet that has permeated the breezeway was in fact caused by stinky feet. 3. The perp's hygiene problems extend far beyond feet and mu...

The TV saga continues!  It's been a few weeks since I was lucky enough to have the Barbie Channel, but alas -- just like Ken and Barbie, we've been forced to part ways.  Unlike Barbie and Ken (and maybe even Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries -- bets are still out on this one) there is no chance for reconciliation.  I've had to console myself with the latest previews offered on good ol' channel 99.  Right now I'm getting to enjoy the Extreme Channel, although the only thing extreme about it appears to be that it features Bear Grylls.  However, last week's preview was the best (click on the link below): Dish TV's Idea of a Joke? Or Serious Programming? Oh, no -- I didn't make a mistake.  This was the actual sponsor of the station, and all they showed were informercials.  For reals.

Thanks to my new digs, I am slowly but surely becoming part of the digital TV world.  Unfortunately, I'm running into some trouble in paradise.  I quickly resigned myself to the fact that I did not receive Bravo or MSNBC -- I can use the internet to stay in touch with Rachel Maddow and the Housewives.  I've even begrudgingly gotten used to losing WE and having my mom DVR "Bridezillas" for me.  However, I've now reached my limit upon discovering I have some rather -- shall we say, unique -- preview channels. Last week I discovered I had something called the Barbie Channel.  Some clever philosophical metaphor?  An ironic observation on society's focus on materialism?  Uh, no. It is actually the Barbie Channel. Oh, wait, it gets better.  I also had something called the Axe Channel, which seemed to be nothing more than an endless loop of commercials for all Axe products. Apparently there weren't a lot of Axe users out there, because today I saw t...

Happy New Year to all of my Jewish peeps.  I hope you enjoyed break the fast as much as I did!  I enjoyed it so much that I decided to stop for a sweet tea on the way home to enhance my blintz- and bagel-induced buzz.  There were two cars in front of me.  The first car was full of giggly high school girls who couldn't decide what to order.  "Oh, I want a Happy Meal!  Can I get that with a shake? Do you sell tacos?" (Okay, I made that last one up, but it wouldn't have been that surprising.)  Finally car #2 pulled up.  This chick had an even harder time ordering, because she refused to order anything that didn't have a Monopoly sticker on it. And she ordered a lot, so you can imagine how hard it must have been for her to construct a Monopoly-friendly menu.  While I realize that 1 in 4 supposedly win, I'm not sure the victory was worth the battle.

Yes, I know it's been a really really long time since my last post.  Life has been really busy.  But fear not friends -- the random craziness has still been happening around here. Exhibit A:  I am zoned out on the couch one night when I hear a knock on the door.  I open it to find a blond 18-year-old with a strange look on her face. I realize some guys have pictured this exact same scenario, but I have not.  Anyway, this young lady says she was in her apartment and heard a strange noise and was scared to go inside and would I go in with her?  I must have paused for a moment too long, because she began doing this nervous giggle-like thing and insisted she was serious.  I ended up going into her apartment and quickly determined that her fan was knocking her blinds around.  Despite my genius observation, she insisted I stay until she checked every. Single. Room.  And closet. Exhibit B:  I had to go for a health assessment at work so I c...

As I was walking through Target today I noticed two girls. One was looking at the blue registry sheets.  The other one was busy making disparaging remarks about the institution of marriage.  "There's all this pressure for young women to find a man and get married, but maybe they should examine the divorce rate in America."  Staunch feminist, or jealous, insecure friend?  You make the call.

It's really here!  NPR has confirmed the amazing news: Schweddy Balls -- Ben and Jerry's